


Letters to the Past

by ColeTReed



Series: HomeHunters [2]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: For the Life Unlived, Gen, HomeHunters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-24
Updated: 2013-07-31
Packaged: 2017-12-16 02:19:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/856629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColeTReed/pseuds/ColeTReed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The HomeHunter children write letters to the past, and let those that are no longer in their lives know exactly how they feel about their new worlds and new families.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dear Daddy (Michael's Letters)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The people portrayed within this story are characters  
> based on the internet personalities of Rooster Teeth, and in no way, shape, or form reflect  
> their past/present selves.

_**At Geoff’s insistence, Michael writes a letter to his deadbeat father each Father’s Day to help him cope with what happened.** _

\-----------------------------------------

Michael (Age 6) (Transcribed)

Dear Daddy,

I hate you.

-Michael Jones

\-----------------------------------------

Michael (Age 7) (Transcribed)

Dear Daddy,

STILL hate you.

-Michael Jones

\-----------------------------------------

Michael (Age 8) (Handwritten)

Dear Daddy,

My REAL daddy told me to write more this year. I HATE YOU. There, I wrote more.

-Michael Jones

\------------------------------------------

Michael (Age 9) (Handwritten)

Dear Daddy,

For Father’s Day, all the kids in the house talked about our old daddies. Ray doesn’t know his at all, and I’m real sad for him. But he has Geoff, so that’s ok. Gavin says he don’t know his very well, but he has daddy Jack, so it was ok. Ryan told us his daddy was sick and didn’t love him, but it was ok, cuz he had Daddy Geoff and Daddy Jack.

They looked at me. I didn’t say anything, and walked into here to write my stupid letter.

My brothers are lucky. They didn’t have you. I’m glad they get to be ok.

-Michael Jones

\----------------------------------------------

Michael (Age 14) (Typed)

Asshole,

I haven’t done this in a while because screw that shit. Geoff never read this crap, so why bother actually writing anything? I’m just really pissed off today, and thought you’d be the perfect punching bag.

So today is father’s day, and guess what EVERYONE AND THEIR FUCKING DOG wants to talk about today with me, despite my repeated insistence that I don’t want to talk about? Fathers. Great! Wonderful! The number one thing I want to discuss in my life. No really, it’s great. Bring up old scars why don’t you. Because that’s exactly what a hormonal teenager wants to deal with.

I think the WORST part of all of it is that I want to tell them about my past and what happened, but then I’m freaking out because… Well shit, they’d look at me funny, wouldn’t they?

“When’s he gonna snap like his dad?”

“Wow, I see where he gets his temper!”

“This explains SO much.”

I can hear them. Every fucking day. I know it’s how they’re going to react too. Who wouldn’t? So thanks asshole. Thanks for fucking up my life worse than you already did.

Goddamn it, Lindsay is calling me, so I’ve got to go, thank christ, I’m already bawling like a baby you piece of shit…

-Michael

\---------------------------------------------------------

Michael (Age 18) (Handwritten)

Mr. Jones,

You know, I looked back on all the letters I wrote all these years, and I realized something. What you did to me all those years ago, and what you stole from me? Yeah, that’s your fault, and yeah, you are entirely to blame for what happened to me and my mother. You’re a piece of shit dad.

But I realized something.

There is one thing that you did right in this world, and I guess I can’t completely hate you 100%. You managed to give me life, and when faced with the reality of what you did to mom? You stopped and didn’t kill me too. I like to think you killing yourself was a way to make amends for what you did in that drunken stupidity. Can’t exactly know that for sure, but shut the fuck up, this is my goddamn letter, and I’ll say what I want.

Anyway, with the life you’ve given me, I’ve been able to grow up and have a pretty awesome life when I wasn’t thinking about you. It wasn’t always good, but I can’t ask for a better one given the circumstances.

I have three fantastic brothers, and we’re the best of friends that look out for each other, and I know I’ll never be alone in this world. Gavin’s like the best thing that ever came into my life, and I couldn’t ask for a better friend and source of advice. Ray has always been there for me, and never let me cry or get sad, even when I really wanted to. Ryan has pushed me like nobody ever could, and it’s because of him that I… Well, I don’t know that for SURE, but I think it’s where I’m going.

I have a dorky friend who’d protect any of us from anything, night or day. Even though Dan’s an asshole to me, and I blow up in his face a lot, I get that it’s just how our friendship works.

I’ve got the most amazing friend any guy could ever ask for. Lindsay is… Well, you can’t even describe her really. She’s just this brilliant, funny, amazing woman, and can’t believe she asked me out all those years ago. I’m glad though, we’ve really had a great thing going.

Finally, I have the most amazing fathers in the world. Geoff and Jack are what I wish all fathers would aspire to be, and I hope I can become even half the men they are. Geoff didn’t sweat the bullshit like most overprotective parents do. He just let us learn stuff on our own, gave us advice, kept us safe, and when we screwed up, didn’t blow a fuse over it (except that time I set Mr. Reed’s trash on fire in middle school, but.. Well, I was just a douche then, so I deserved that punishment). Jack’s been there for me for just about everything bad that ever happened in my life. Right after mom died, I remembered going to him in the middle of the night a lot, or that time in high school with Ray’s shit and after Gavin’s… Anyway, Jack didn’t give two shits about us crying or yelling at him. He just took it, and cried/yelled back with us. He was someone we could really rely on…

Oh, and I always had Barbie, Caiti, Joel and Kara lingering about too. Not really parents, but kind of like our aunts and uncles that checked up on us and came to Christmas/Thanksgiving shit. We really are a bunch of weirdos here.

Anyway, that’s my life. The life you gave to me, for better or worse.

I can’t bring myself to forgive you completely. Nope. There’s a part of me that wants to hold on to this anger I have at you, and never let it go, because I’ll always know the terrible thing you did to me and mom. But hey, time marches on. Keep checking back every year, cuz you never know, I might get smarter and finally decide to just quit thinking about you all together, or to move on with my life. After all, you haven’t been a father to me in a very long time, I don’t know why I bother letting you control such a big part of me.

Especially because I already have the best dads in the world.

I love you Geoff. I love you Jack. Thanks…. Thanks for not giving up on me. Thanks for being there when I needed you most, and thanks for giving me a good life. I can never repay you for your kindness, but I can pay it forward.

I swear I will.

Happy Father’s Day,

-Michael P. Ramsey


	2. Dear Griffy (Geoff's Letters)

Geoff Ramsey (Age 19) (Handwritten)

Dear Griffy,

I’ve been…  Ok?  I suppose anyway.  

Well fuck, I’m lying already.  Jack tells me that writing letters to people and not sending them is therapeutic when we’re at our worst (some bullshit he learned in college), but to me, it just makes me remember you too fucking much.  Goddammit…

Truth of the matter is that after you left, I basically shut the fuck down.  After Elena gave me your letter…  After I read every word over…  and over… and over again…  

I…  I didn’t want to live anymore Griffy…  You were the only thing even remotely important in my life, and without you, there wasn’t anything left to protect.  

 Jack…  I didn’t deserve him Griffy.  Mrs. Thompson took him in until after he heads off to college, so he was in good hands.  Better hands than me…  Hands that might have noticed those scars…  I..  I didn’t want to be a burden to him anymore.

After that, I left the orphanage that night, and just went out and walked.  I walked, and walked and walked…  Eventually I just fell in a gutter and slept for days, trying to waste away.  Too much of a coward for that though, naturally.

I stayed there for about half a year.  I mugged people for a living, and it felt good.  It felt like revenge on the world, and I’d get high off it.  Entitled pricks that had everything just…  HANDED to them.  To take it away…  To give them even a small dose of what we felt like?  It was amazing, and my heart would race.  The buzz, oh god, the buzz…  Better than drinking.  I used the old switchblade you gave me a long time ago.  The one I used that ti…  ** _(The words are violently scribbled out, unintelligible and impossible to make out)_**

Nevermind…  

But as much as it felt good to do it…  All of a sudden…  It didn’t.  

I’d think about you Griffy, and realize…  How much you’d hate me for what I become, and realize you’d never come back if I stayed like that.  I’d think about Jack too, and wonder about…  Well, if he did manage to get successful…  What would happen if I pulled him into an ally?

So then nothing felt good again.  I’d do it every once in awhile, just to live…  Mostly to kids or people that looked like they’d just gotten kicked to the curb.  To…  I dunno, try and scare them back home or maybe get them into a shelter and out of the streets.  I have no idea if any of them ever did…    

Anyway, I’d all but given up hope of ever making anything of myself.  I’d just finished mugging someone, and decided to go as far away as possible to get some distance.  Once I was safe, I was on a bridge and it was pouring down rain, counting out what I had.

Then…

I lost it…  Your knife…  Wind blew it right out of my hands and into the river.  The last thing I had of yours…  Gone.  

I wanted to die Griffy.  I was done…  I wanted to jump in after it, but was too much of a coward to do it.  I didn’t want to die, but…  I wanted to too!  I know that makes no goddamn sense, but it was like I wanted SOMETHING good in my life.  I deserved that, didn’t I?  It was like you said to me…  FIND SOMETHING.  

Goddammit Griffy…  WHAT IF I COULDN’T!  THERE WAS/IS NOTHING GOOD ABOUT ME!  WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY OFFER THE WORLD!?  

While thinking about all that shit, some old crone threw me nearly a grand in cash and gave me an umbrella.  Told me not to give up or some shit.  Told me I was a fighter…  That…  I needed to do something in my life.

I asked her why.  Because frankly…  It sounded stupid to me.

The woman said…  Well…  She hoped that if her son was in a shitty place like mine, that she’d want someone to do that for him.

What a naive woman.  Who the hell in their right mind would do that?  Just…  Help some kid they didn’t even know?  Stupid.  

And yet…  

I cried.  I cried a lot Griffy, like a big damn baby, but who gives a shit?

I took the money, got a full night’s sleep at a nice hotel, cleaned myself up, got some new clothes, and got my ass back home.  Well, I would have, but I was of age and got kicked out after I left.  Great…  No place to stay…

Well, I stayed a night or two with Burnie.  He was about to head back off to college from his Christmas Break, but his folks said I was welcome to stay as long as I wanted.  Nice people…

Seriously, thanks for introducing me to Burnie.  There are few good men in this world like him, even if he is a total nerd.  I don’t even go to college, and I can tell you how useless that film/production degree is going to be for him.  (Though I’d never say that to his face….)

Though none of that was even necessary…  Jack saw me in town while I was looking for a job, and Mrs. Thompson took me in without a second thought.  I got a job cleaning floors at some convenience store to help pay the bills and make a living.

That…   That was about a week or two ago…  I’m getting my GED with Mrs. Thompson’s help after school, so…  Yeah, there’s that I guess…

I’m…  I’m making progress.

But I’m still hurting Griffy.  I’d do anything to get you to come back, I swear it.  Just…  Just come back Griffy…  I…  I want to hold you again…  I promise…  I promise I won’t ever hurt anyone ever again, I’ll do anything you say, I swear to god…  Just come back.  I love you…  I don’t want to live without you…

I can change dammit…  Why’d…  Why’d you have to leave me?  

____

Geoff Ramsey (Age 22) (Handwritten)  
  


Dear Griffy,

It’s been a while.  Sorry, I just can’t be writing every day to you like I used to.  But…  Tonight, I just..  College sucks ass.  

I basically qualified for every scholarship under the sun (you should have SEEN Jack when I told him I wanted to go, he got on Burnie’s laptop and filled out everything FOR me), so might as well have gone…  Cleaning floors wasn’t really what I wanted to do in life, I guess…

That was a few years back, but just now it’s starting to really suck with stuff getting hard.  

The first classes were stupidly easy, it was more like expensive daycare than anything.  AND OH MY GOD, THE COMPLAINERS ABOUT HOMEWORK.  I nearly lost my shit twice and punched them.

Jack’s getting a degree in child psychology, and I’m going the same route since he already has all the books and class notes, and….  Well, why not?  He wants to go into social working, and I sort of want to too.  No need in breaking up the best brothers, amirite?

The stuff in the books is bullshit though.  Jesus Christ, you’d think that all kids needed in their lives was just someone to talk to and be open with.  As if that actually worked..  Pffft.

 Though…  Jack keeps telling me that’s actually how it works, and to not knock the professors, they know their stuff, and to just add our own experiences to theirs for the best of both worlds…  

Jack says it was exactly what he needed too.  That…  Well, you were there for him with the cutting, and just listened to him talk about his problems.  That it really helped him just having someone there for him.  He misses you too Griffy…  

 Griffy…  I know I beg this every night but…   Come back…  I’m..  I’m doing what you wanted, right!?  I’m going to school, doing something with my life!  Doesn’t this count!? Isn’t this what you wanted?!?!   WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU COME BACK?!!?

 Sorry…  I…  I just thought…  Well…

 Once I was on a better road, you’d come back…  I mean…  Goddammit, I wouldn’t go like that again, I swear it!

 ______

Geoff Ramsey (Age 23)

 What the fucking fuck was I thinking going to work for Child Protective Services?  I blame you AND Jack for this bullshit.  Really, I just followed Jack into it, since he was already working there, and they need as many bodies as they can muster, but seriously Griffy, you pushed me here too.  

 “Go make something of yourself!” you said, well here I fucking am.  I guess that’s why I’m writing to you again…  Where are you?  I’ve done something with my life, and I have a job, haven’t I done what you asked me to do?  Seriously, I just…  I don’t get you.

And what you made me do sucks ass Griffon.  I could kill you!

I got stuck under Joel fucking Heyman.  That asshat is the biggest prick I have EVER worked under.  I SWEAR the man thinks he is a god and were are but his faithful servants on a string to be pulled at all times.  I know I have to get “experience” before going on my own, but I swear to god if that man makes me fetch him his coffee, praise his “Adonis-like-physique” or do his transcribing for him, I’m going to blow through the fucking roof.  Jack says he’s just putting on an act, and that’s he JUST overly dramatic, but I genuinely think he’s an asshole.

Still…  I guess my mentor Carter Reed isn’t too bad…  He’s only a few years older than me, actually, but he moved up quickly.  Carter’s one of the good ones Griffy.  Really, our whole department here in Austin is great.  I wish I’d had an agent like him when I was younger.  Maybe I wouldn’t have been so fucked up.    

 Barbara Dunkelman, Kara Eberle, Jack, Carter, Joel, Gus Sorola and myself make up the Austin department.  I’m new, so of course they fucking pick at me the most, but…  

Well, I guess it’s nice having friends again, especially when we’re a big happy family. 

 (Except Joel, because FUCK JOEL…  Ok, Joel too.)

______

Geoff Ramsey (Age 30)

 Griffy,

 Jesus Christ it’s been awhile since I wrote you…  Sorry, I got busy working.  I know one of these days I’m going to show you all these and I sort of feel bad that there’s such a big gap, but…  Well…  I guess I didn’t have much to say.  Too many kids, too many homes to try and get them in.  I just wanted to focus only on them and try to…  Well, make the system not suck so bad.  

Until today.

 I’m…  I’m done.  I’m done with the system, I’m done with all this BULLSHIT.  No more! 

It all started about a week ago, with Carter Reed (vice-director of his own department now) made a harmless mistake.  You know, he ASSUMED that people that cleared all background checks, successfully raised four or five other foster children and a child of their own, AND came from a good background..  You know…  Might have been good parents.  Instead?  Well, that’s not for me to say what happened.  It makes me vomit when I think about it, and I’ve already done plenty of that this weekend with booze.  

What I do want to say… Is that ALL parties involved were destroyed, even more than just the family directly involved.

Carter quit his job on the spot, and so did most of our senior staff and supervisors.  We lost over half of our entire organization Griffy…  Despite his and the agency’s YEARS of great service, Carter’s amazing personality and work ethtic, and how much he and everyone here loved their kids?  

ONE mistake that wasn’t even their fault ruined them.  

Carter and the groups involved would never be remembered for anything other than that one mistake.  In a way…  It is letting our agency recover more quickly, since the public is vocally cheering us on (great NOW they know we exist, not when we needed more funding!) at their removal.

 It broke him too..  I’ve never seen a man that bad before, and I’m including myself after you left in that statement.  We’re there for him though, and he’s talking about just going back to school and doing something else.  As broken as he is, and as much as he blames himself for what happened to those kids…  He’s not giving up either.      

Still, work has been bad lately, and we’re shuffling kids quickly, hiring as many people as we can, though there’s not many coming in…  That one girl…  Caitlyn?  Cairi?  Caiti?  Oh, I can’t remember her name, I’ve been too damn busy to talk to her yet… Anyway, she came in from a private firm and is a SAINT, doing everything she can with her limited experience, not complaining a bit.  Gus is trying to pick up the pieces and took the Director spot, Joel supporting him as best he can.  But… It’s a mess…  No, it’s worse than a mess…  It’s a downright devastation for these kids, and we’re trying our best to make sure they’re all ok.

More than us got hurt though…  The family involved, sadly…  The one surviving child and the woman’s husband was media-blasted all over the fucking country, and couldn’t have any time to mourn on their own.  The boy could barely have been ten, so who knows how they’ll end up eventually…

 Denecour…  I’ll never be able to forgive that woman…  As long as I live.  

But I’m sure you’re saying (and I can picture your disapproving high pitched whiny tone already, so kindly wait until I’m finished), “Geoff, you’re just going to go crawl in a corner and cry again like a big baby!”

No, no I’m not, and I resent that accusation!

I’ll find a different way to save kids.  Jack and I…  We’ve been thinking about this for a long time.  How kids would BEST be “healed”.  Kids like you, me and Jack.  Been spitballing with our friends too, Barbara LOVES the idea.  We thought about it, and we’re gonna give it a shot.  It’ll take time, but if we can get people on board with the idea, maybe it could be something big.  

I’ve…  Uh…  Well, I guess asking you to come back now wouldn’t be very smart.  

I couldn’t be the man you want me to be Griffy, I can’t..  I can’t dedicate myself to you fully.  Not until I try to do this.  So…  Just give me some time.  

Then I’ll give myself fully to you again.

 ____

Geoff Ramsey (Age 33) (Handwritten)

 Dear Griffy,

Well…  We did it.  Seeing something like this come true, I couldn’t help but think about you more.  About our childhood together, and…  Well…  I guess I couldn’t help but hope you’d be proud of me.

3 years later, a sizable donation from Burnie (thank you for introducing us all those years ago, I couldn’t have had a better friend or source of free Hollywood money…), kissing every state senator and representative’s collective asses, and Jack’s amazing acting skills in front of well-dressed monkeys?  

 We did it.  HomeHunters is open (I came up with the name, nice, right?).  

 It’s the first foster care home system of its kind.  With a mixture of public donations and government funding, we’re basically a four-person orphanage with “parents” that are specialists in child care (I’m a specialist?  Jesus christ these poor children…) that can care for the kid’s specific needs.  

The plan is to raise abandoned and broken children in a typical family setting, but to get them the proper care/attention that only people with proper training can afford them.  It’s not horrendously more expensive than traditional methods per child (though our budget is still woefully small, and we have little to no extra funds for anything outside of living expenses.  That stuff comes out of our pockets), but we have to really show that it’s a highly effective program, or else we’ll never get it off the ground in the long run.  Governments want more bang for their buck, and…  Well, we’re gonna try and give that to them!

 We just got our first kid.  His name is Ryan Haywood, and…  Well, I already feel like my old father.  By that, I mean I’m a complete failure.  Ryan is so self-conscious about EVERYTHING.  Money, food, how much of our time he takes up…  LITERALLY EVERYTHING.  We keep telling him that it’s fine and not to worry about it, but…  He just won’t open up.

 

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong either.  I mean…  I’m there for the kid, he knows that, but…  Goddammit, I want everything to be good right away!  I know it can’t be, but…  Why won’t he talk to me?  

I’m worried I complained about something costing a lot, or maybe said something that upset him…  Jack and I talked all about it but…  Well, we’ll just give him space and talk to him about it in the morning.  

I’m heading to bed now.  Just wanted to commemorate to you my first big victory in life as well as…  Well…  I guess my first failure too!

Goodnight Griffy, I love you.

________

Geoff Ramsey (Age 33) (Handwritten)

Dear Griffy,

 It’s…  It’s been an interesting last few months.  

 Ryan and I have been bonding a lot lately, the kid is so sweet… Right after I wrote that last letter to you, he came in and shared with me his fears about living with us.  Some stuff about how he didn’t want to be a burden or not make us “profitable”.  After I explained that he was insane for worrying about something that wasn’t even true, things started slowly getting better.  He’s still self-conscious around us, but he’s opening up.  

 You’ll get a riot out of this one Griffy…  Apparently, he wants to go fishing with me if I “can spare the time…”, and how it’s something he always wanted to do with his real father.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’ve never so much as stepped out on a boat, let alone know HOW to fish, and just said yes!  Still…  I went and got our licenses, and called Joel to teach me how to do the basic shit.  I should be able to bait stuff, and at least put the line in the water at the VERY least.

Oh…  And he calls me “dad” Griffy.  Jesus Christ if I don’t want to just ball up and cry every time he says that…

But right after Ryan finally got settled in, and was finally starting to open up to us, another little ball of…  “Joy” was dropped on our door.  

His name is Michael Jones, and it’s going to get some getting used to this one.  He watched his mom get murdered point blank in front of him by his dad, and the bastard then took his own life.  Michael trusts NO ONE outside of MAYBE Ryan to a small degree, and just generally does not (under any circumstances) want another father.  Not that I blame him, but he’s got a bad temper problem and won’t listen to anyone…  

 First night I got him, he bit the living shit out of me, and goddamnit did I want to throw that little shit right back out the door immediately.  

 But…  I didn’t.  Because damn if that little shit doesn’t remind me of ME so much.  Michael’s a fighter, that’s for sure, and doesn’t put up with anything he’s not comfortable with.  Still…  I don’t want him ending up like me, so I guess…  I guess I’ll have to keep an eye on him Griffy.

Maybe he’ll get better in time, but…  I just don’t know… Kids like him…  They’re tougher to bounce back.

__________

Geoff Ramsey (Age 33) (Handwritten)

 Dear Griffy,

 Goddamn did I talk bad about Michael in that last letter.  

 I take it all back, and wish I hadn’t thought of him like that.  But damn, I guess that’s just how first impressions go.  I ,of all people, should know that anyone is capable of change and growth from bad situations.  I looked back on some of the stuff I wrote you a long time ago, and realized how far I’ve come.

 So..  Here’s WHY I take back everything bad I said about Michael and feel like a Grade A cut of Asshole.

Jack took in a kid while Ryan and I went and had a talk all about “The birds and the bees” (awkward as FUCK by the way, I do not look forward to giving that spill three more times…).  

His name is Gavin Free, and he obviously hates my guts.  

No, seriously, that kid will not say a WORD to me.  He talks exclusively to Michael or Jack, and that’s about it.  Jack says it’s some sort of psychosomatic muteness brought on by psychological abuse, which I totally agree with, and yet…  Gavin doesn’t look at me.  He just wants to sit in Jack’s lap all day reading, or play with Michael letting him take the lead in everything.  I guess I make him nervous, or maybe he’s worried that I’m not worthy of trust yet?  I don’t know…  He doesn’t talk, so we don’t know anything about him or his personality.  

 Though…  I’m oddly ok with this.  

 I’m not sure if it’s because Gavin is some little kicked puppy that MIchael sees himself in, or WHAT, but MIchael has flourished with him.  Remember how I just said I wish I hadn’t thought so poorly of Michael before?  

Well…  Michael basically took Gavin under his wing, and is nursing him back to health (so to speak), and it is so fucking adorable, you just don’t even know.  He acts as a translator between Gavin and the adults (telling us what he wants to eat, or if he needs something), and keeps playing with him non-stop when Jack is away so he’s not lonely.  The little shit is a tad overbearing at times, shouting at him to “TALK ALREADY”, but Jack and I agree that it’s a friendly push that he needs, and it’s not in the least bit hurting him.

 Just as importantly though…  This showed me something wonderful.  Michael cares about other people (probably more than himself), and is capable of social interaction with children his own age.  GOOD!  I was freaking out over Kindergarten registration and if he needed to be in a more “special" school, but feel a tad better about it now.

So yeah, things are going well Griffy.  Maybe this might work after all!

__________

 

Geoff Ramsey (Age 33) (Handwritten)  
  


Griffy,

 When did my life turn into some REALLY bad sitcom?  No, seriously, I’d like to know!  

 Not a few weeks after my last letter (when Jack brought in Gavin), we had yet another child hoisted upon us, but not just ANY regular child…

 Ray…  Whatshisface…  

 I know that sounds like a joke, but it’s not, we don’t know anything about Ray.  We don’t know what his last name is, his birthday, or if he was even really born in this country.  Thank god for Gus…  He helped us wade through endless paperwork to get him everything he needed, and we…  Well, fudged a bit on some of it.  Nothing illegal Gus assured, mind you, but also leaving out bits of the full story to make sure he’s ok.

Anyway, this kid’s failure of a mother just LEFT him in a park Griffy, with some letter to give police if/when he ever found one.  In the letter, it explains that’s he’s the son of some man who’s into sketchy-ass stuff, and she doesn’t want him to be a part of it. Even so…  It’s cowardly.  She just left him…  HOW BAD could it possibly be that going to police herself wouldn’t be good enough? 

Jack wanted him OUT of the house immediately, and…  Well, I dunno.  I sort of agreed with him at first thinking the same thing, but HEARING him say it.  Hearing Jack want to give up on the kid and make him someone else’s problem?  I guess that struck a nerve with me, and I got real stubborn real fast. Thinking back, it was our first argument since we started HomeHunters.

 My point was that he’d be forsaken in the system, unable to ever find anyone willing to take him in.  He’d go to an orphanaged, just like we did, getting shitty care

Also, the kid had a backpack.  His mom said in her letter that there was something inside it was something that could be his when he became a man, something from his father.  

You’ll never guess what was inside…

 A FUCKING BIG-ASS HUNTING KNIFE COVERED IN BLOOD STAINS AND CARVED WITH NAMES IN THE HILT.  JUST WHAT THE FUCK GRIFFY, WHAT THE LITERAL FUCK?!

_____

 Geoff Ramsey (Age 33) (Handwritten)

Griffy,

Good news and bad news….

HomeHunters is doing well.  We’re now at the breaking point budget wise, but we’re staying afloat.  Actually, Barbara wants us investigating on a second home, her taking the initiative and finding us a few additional funders already.  Barbara and Jack are playing charity beggars this time, letting me focus on the kids a bit.  (Thank god…)  

Life has been pretty good, I certainly can’t complain.  I do miss being able to go out and buy things for myself (I’ve been DYING for a new tat…), but then taking care of the kids makes me not even think about it much.  Sure, Jack and I get “salaries” (not counting the food/shelter/utilities) if you can call it that, but it’s less than you’d make working at McDonalds, and we prefer putting it away from the kid’s an their college funds.  Ryan’s is coming up fast too, so we need every penny.  Well, if he wants to go to college.  If not, he could take the money and get a house or something.  

ANYWAY.

We’ve got two new additions around the house, though not as kids we’re taking care of.  Miles and Kerry, two of Ryan’s friends.  I love Kerry, he’s such a polite kid and does really well with Ryan’s brothers.  Miles?  He…  Well, he’s a character.  Spoiled rotten rich boy with an overprotective mother, but Ryan likes him, so I deal with it.  

 They pop in almost every afternoon, but haven’t really stayed over yet.  I suppose their parents don’t really trust us yet, and I’m fine with that.

Besides that,  well….  A few things recently happened that I think has really changed my life forever.  

For one, I’m now a legal father.  Little Ray is now “Ray Ramsey”, and he wanted ME to be his dad.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t squeal like you did when you got your first tat (HA!).  Ryan keeps asking to get adopted too, but I’ve told him to wait until his birthday, JUST to make sure.  (You know how kids are!)

So now I’m a role model, and have basically four sons of my own, all who want me in their life and who want me to help them!

Anyway, that’s the GOOD news.  

The bad news is that I about broke Ryan’s trust in me the other night.  Little ninja prick was spying on me talking to Burnie, and heard me say I might consider…  Leaving HomeHunters.

YEA YEA I KNOW, SHADDUP.  

Burnie offered me a ton of money to be some voice actor on that shit we started back in high school.  Money that could have gotten the kids some nice stuff, probably helped out the second HomeHunters, and whatever…

But…  The kids didn’t want that.  Ryan wanted ME.  That same night, Ray asked for ME to be his dad.  I can’t let them down!  Especially because little Gavin is actually talking to me now.  Not more than one or two words at a time, but…  Maybe he doesn’t totally hate me after all.

 Oh!  And I almost forgot!  Carter Reed (the guy back from the agency?) is going to be the kids’ Kindergarten teacher!  He took ALL of our “special needs” kids without a second thought, before even knowing they were mine!  You have no idea how relieved I am by that fact.  Not only are they getting a great man to instruct them, but one that knows exactly how to take care of them emotionally too!  Him and I have been having a lot of long talks, and he’s going to keep me in the loop on everything with them.

 So yeah…  A lot of good in my life right now Griffy…  Things are going to get busy for me soon, so I hope you don’t mind if I take a while between writing you again.

Speaking of you…

 Thank you for what you did.  Leaving all those years ago?  You made me become a man who would become a father to these kids, and I can never repay you.  

My life is wonderful, and…  

Well…  Even though I don’t think I’ll ever love someone as much as I loved you, I at least did something with my life.  I have my kids, and that’s more love than I ever thought I’d have in my life.

Thank you Griffy…  I love you.

~~~~~

Geoff Ramsey (Age 45) (Hastily scribbled on the back of a program)

Griffy,

 There is nothing more important than my kids right now. But I just wanted to say before-

  ** _(The rest of the writing is unintelligible, in a handwriting that only someone who knew Geoff could possibly hope to read)_**


	3. To My Brothers (Gavin's Letters)

(Age 6, Transcribed, The Lined Paper is Covered in Tears)

Dear Isaac,

Hi!  It’s your little brother Gavin.  My daddy Jack and Cameron said that I should write a letter to you before we go to the graveyard, and then I can leave it there for you!  So I am!  But I can’t write good yet, so Daddy is gonna write it for me!

Oh!  You probably don’t know my new Daddy!  After Mum and Father went away, a lady named Barbie took me to a house to play, and I met Jackie!  Barbie said she was gonna get me a new mommy and daddy, but I had to talk to Jackie first.  He was real nice and read me a story that I liked a whole lot!  I still like reading it!  But then when we were about to go back to Barbie’s house, I got all sad because it was real fun there, and…  I wanted HIM as my new daddy. He was nice and not scary at all!  I didn’t want to go, but I couldn’t say anything!  I remembered what Father told me, and didn’t want no-one else to go away cuz of me..

BUT I REALLY WANTED TO STAY BRUV!

I was lucky!  There was this other boy named MIchael (he’s my brother now!), and he told Jackie that I wanted to stay, that Jackie HAD to let me stay, and then he let me stay!  

I have other brothers too now!  I got Michael, Ryan AND Ray!  Ryan’s older than the rest of us, but real nice!  Ray is real funny, and Michael is my bestest friend!

Oh, and my other Dad is named Geoff!  He’s Jackie’s brother, but says I can call him dad too!  Geoff is kind of scary looking, but REALLY silly.  He sings when he does stuff like driving or doing dishes like you did, but he’s really stinky at it.  But it makes me happy, and we all sing together, and its real fun!  

That’s my new family!  I wish you could see them!  

I wish I could see you…  

How are you?  If you see Mum and Father where you are, tell them I love them, and…  I’m sorry I made them mad by talking again..  Cameron said it was ok though…  So…  Maybe she won’t hate me!  I hope not…  I love Mommy!  Her and daddy didn’t hug me no more after you went away, and…  Weren’t really nice anymore, but…  That was my fault, cuz I…  

(There’ s a few erased lines)

Jackie says nothing was my fault about what happened, and that it was just an accident.  Sorry, I forgot!  

Oh, he says I should tell you how I’m doing!  

I’m doing good!  I started going to school, I’m learning how to read, and Cameron came and found me!  He comes over on weekends, and we go do stuff!  Sometimes Michael comes too!

I made a friend named Dan at school, and now he lives next door!  He has two sisters named Courtney and Lindsay, and we’re all friends and play together! We have dinner together every night with Auntie Kara, Grandpa Joel, and everyone!  

I have lots of fun now Isaac.  Fun like when you were still my brother!  I guess you still are, I just can’t see you no more.  I still get to talk to you though, cuz I got teddy!  

That’s all I can think to tell you bout’.  If I forgot sonethin’, ill tell you in another letter!

I Love you bruv,

Gavin

P.S:  

(This is Jack Patillo, Gavin’s father and your old director from AHS.  I’m genuinely sorry I didn’t make the connection between you and Gavin sooner, it might have saved him a little heartache down the line.  I know it’s silly taking up part of Gavin’s letter, but…  Ha..  This kind of stuff makes me feel better, maybe I’ll think of this as a promise to myself instead of me being superstitious.  

I promise I’ll take good care of Gavin for as long as I live, and make sure he lives the kind of life he wants, without ever being afraid of using that beautiful voice of his.  I promise, no matter what happens to our program, that I’ll be a strong father. I’ll be there for him, the way my own family wasn’t.  I’m not alone either.  Geoffrey Ramsey, his other father, would probably die before he let anything bad happen to the kid.  He’s in good hands, so rest peacefully knowing that.  But if you are there, keep watch over us,  because there’s a lot of heartache under this roof.  Heartache that probably won’t go away for a very long time, if ever.  But we’re trying!  

Also…  From what Cameron told me, you were a big influence in his life, and probably more of a parent than either of his real ones.  I’ll make sure he knows who you were, and make sure he never forgets.

Thank you for being a brave man, the world is a lesser place without you.

-Jack Patillo

———————————————————————————————————-

(Age 6, Transcribed, on a Small Card)

Dear Cameron,

Thank you SO SO MUCH for the birthday present, I LOVE IT.  I can’t wait to start!  I’m so excited!

Daddy says I can go anytime I want too, and says I will always have a ride!  So just come over whenever you want, I’ll always be ready!

THANKYOUTHANKYOUYHANKYOUTHANKYOU

Love,

Gavin

P.S:  (This is Jack.  I’d like to say thank you as well.  There is no way we could have ever afforded Gavin what you’ve given him, and it means the world to me that he’s got such a big smile.  More than that though, this is something that will genuinely help him recover as he grows, almost like therapy.  Thank you Cameron, you are an amazing individual, and we are glad to have you in our lives.  Never change, you’re the kind of person that our world needs more of.)

———————————————————————————————————-

(Age 11, Handwritten)

Dear Isaac,

For class, we’re doing a report on our family tree.  I read your old journals, and saw everything you thought about me, trying to get to know you better.  I…  I’m sorry you were as sad…  Nobody should ever be that sad!  I hope I don’t get sad like that!  

I also read some of mom’s diaries, and…  Mother hated me Isaac…  Hated me so much…  The only reason she kept me was because of you and Cam…  (Something else I should thank you for.)   Even before you died Isaac, she never wanted me.  But…  I don’t blame her. She and Dad had such a hard life Isaac…. I feel sorry for her.  I hope you get to talk to them, wherever you are…

There is so much I never knew about any of you.  I feel bad that I don’t get to know you guys, and even worse that.  I wanna cry, but I’m not gonna, cuz I have Cameron!  I have a lot more than my brothers do, and I’m not gonna be selfish. I have a good life.  A happy life.  It’s like Casey says.  Why should we be sad about things we don’t have?  I’m happybecause of the things that I do have!  

Oh, and thank you for saving my life.  I’m beginning to understand what that means now.  The sacrifice you made…  There’s nothing I can do to thank you, but I’ll make you proud!  I don’t know how, but I’ll do it!  

I’ll come visit today, I’ve been feeling kind of bad lately…  Cameron says will take me when I get back from Brandon’s.  I have to do our history project with him, even though I don’t wanna.  I don’t know why Mr. Reed always sticks us together.  We’re not friends, and we don’t like each other!

Sorry, I’m whining again!  I hope you’re happy!

I lvor ouy,

vGain

———————————————————————————————————-

(Age 11, On an Online Forum)

Thread:  Ask X-Ray!  (Page 19)

(User:  Vav-02)

 

Dear X-Ray,

You’re amazing! I knew you were busy with computer stuff, but I had no idea what you were doing EXACTLY.  Now I feel bad for taking up so much of your time lately.  You should have told me!  I could walk to practice by myself you know…  :(

But everyone should know that X-Ray is in fact, the nicest kid on the planet and one heck of a brother!  He’s just as awesome in real life!  :)

I don’t know how you’re not ripping your hair out with everything that’s going on at home, but I’m glad you’re having fun.  This stuff is hilarious!

I know you’ve got a LOT of fans too, but I’m sure you know who your biggest fan is!  ;)

You, Drago,JoneZ, RyeBread and LunarX have a pretty cool thing going here, you should show it to Burnie!  He loves this stuff!   :D

That’s all I wanted to say.  Because I’m pretty sure there’s nothing I could really ask you and not know the answer to myself.  Except maybe where all my hot pockets went to!  >:(

Lova ya,

Vav

——

(User:  CODGOD123)

^Who the fuck is this guy?  Does he know X-Ray?

——

(User:  YoLo$$)

^THIS.  VAV, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU.  

——-

(User:  LunarX)

Oh my gawwwwwwd, this is precious.  Hi VAV!  <3     

——

(User:  RyeBread)

Welp, there goes our big secret.  Hey Vav!  Please don’t share our darkest and most embrassing secrets on the internet.  I can and will feed your skinny ass to Edgar.

——-

(User:  X-Ray)

Well, the hot pockets are in the toilet now if you wanna go fish em’ out.  Though they’re not as good as they once were!  I’d consider an alternate food source today.

And thanks Vav.  Lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvve ya man, let’s hang tonight.  <3

——-

(User:  SparTanLEader)

HOLY SHIT, SOMEONE KNOWS X-RAY.  VAV!  I SENT YOU A MESSAGE, REPLY PLZZZZZ.

——-

(User:  Vav-02)

OH MY GOD, MY E-MAIL IS RUINED.  THANKS GUYS.  >:(

——-

(User:  Drago)

Whoops.  My bad….  >_>  Should have set it to private Vav.  I’d get another one if I were you…

——-

———————————————————————————————————-

(Age 11, Handwritten, on a Card)

Dear Ryan,

Happy birthday!  I’m sorry you missed the party, but we’re glad you came home!  Dad said we’ll do it next week instead!  I was real worried about you!  Michael said you weren’t coming back, and…  That terrified me Ryan!  Don’t ever do that!  I don’t want to EVER lose anyone ever again!  I love you brother!

I wanted to get you something for your birthday since it was so special! Everyone says you’re an adult now, so that’s cool!  Congratulations!  

I’m not good at anything though, so Casey and Cameron helped me write a song for you (they wrote most of it, sorry…  I’m not real good at it…)  If you’re not busy one day, i’ll sing it to you!  We’ve been practicing, and I’m getting back into the swing of things.

Love,

Gavin

(Inside the card is a folded paper, printed nicely, with a musical score accompanying it)

For the one who lost it all, was alone and in the dark…

For the one who faced his fear, and felt in him his heart…

For the one who lived his life, a keeper for his home…

There is but one thing I wish…

I wish you the best days of your life,

for a future strong and bright,

To find the one you love,

and never fear the night….

To know you’ll always have a place,

Forever always yours,

For you I wish….   

I wish you love….

For the years we shared together, the happiest I knew…

For the times when we were fighting, I hoped you’d love me too

For the nights that I sat crying, and you my only stone,

There is but one thing  I wish…

I wish you the best days of your life,

for a future strong and bright,

To find the one you love,

and never fear the night….

To know you’ll always have a place,

Forever always yours,

For you I wish….   

I wish you love….

For the life we were dealt…  It…. wasn’t all that bad…

But why then I ask…  

Are my eyes so sad…?

For you see, my dear brother…

You were always there for me…

And for that I thank you…  And I wish….

I wish you the best days of your life,

for a future strong and bright,

To find the one you love,

and never fear the night….

To know you’ll always have a place,

Forever always yours,

For you I wish….   

I wish you love….

—————————————

(Age 18, Text Messages)

(Cam) (5:19 PM)  Where are you?  

(G)  (5:21 PM)  In the park, doing homework with Mia.  

(Cam)  (5:23 PM)  You know exactly what I mean.  What the hell?  It’s the third time this month.

(G) (5:25 PM)  I don’t know what you expect out of me Cam, I can’t do everything!  Something had to go!  I was hoping I’d get more time, but the AP crap is hard.

(G) (5:25 PM). Besides, it’s stupid.  It was always stupid.  All of it.   

(Cam) (5:29)  WHAT?  I don’t understand, this was one of the most important things to you in life until last week!  What’s wrong Gavin?  

(G) (5:32 PM)  Nothing is wrong Cameron, I’m just doing what any responsible student would do.  I’m doing my homework, studying, and applying for college!   There’s so much to do this year, I just don’t have time like I used to.  None of us do.  Michael’s got his sports crap, Ray’s doing his stuff with Miles, B is putting his nose to the grind at the gym and I’ve got hard schoolwork.  It’s just our age!  

(Cam)  (5:34 PM)  Is this like what Ryan went through?  Please don’t pull that same stunt, for the love of god…  You do know everything is fine, right?  Between your dads and I, there is NOTHING to worry about kiddo.  Just relax some!  Take time to figure things out.

(G) (5:40 PM)  I am NOT going to be a burden on them Cam, and I’m the only one who doesn’t have a plan!  I’m trying to fix that!!!  Just leave me be!  

(Cam)  (5:42 PM)  Gavin, I’m calling your fathers.  We’re meeting TONIGHT.  Get your ass home, and walk Mia back to her place.  There’s something you need to know, and we’re getting it out in the open, and to hell if your dads don’t agree.  Enough is enough, I’m not going to sit here and watch you suffer.  

(Cam)  (5:43 PM)  And I mean it!  Home.  Now.  Don’t make me call her to pick you up.  Your ass will be grass!  

(G) (5:45 PM)  fine.  whatever.  

___________________

(Age 18, Text Messages)

(G)  (7:59 PM)  Hey Ryan, where’d you go?  Dad said you were coming over for a few nights, I wanted to ask you about the job and maybe go get dinner since everyone else has their own stuff going on tonight.  I wanted to ask you advice on something too…  It’s a little embarrassing, but you probably know the best advice..  

(G)  (8:39 PM)  You there?  

(G)  (10:16 PM)  Ryan, we’ve been trying to call you for the last couple of hours.  Dad said you made it home, so…  Where’d you go?  Just curious, if you’re catching up with someone, we’ll see you in the morning.

(G)  (3:15 PM)  Where are you at?  I really need to talk to you!  It’s Important!  RYAN!!!!!!!!

(R)  (3:29 PM)  kan u puck me pupp…  

(G)  (3:31 PM)  Did you mean pick you up?  Where are you?

___________________

(Age 18, Text Messages)

(G)  (3:23 PM)  Michael, I heard about what happened in class!  Are you ok?  Carter said you just ran out of the school without a word and walked hom!  Are you insane?  Where are you!?

(M)  (3:25 PM)  why would you care?  fuck off, u ruined my life.  asshole.  this is why i didnt tell anyone.

(G)  (3:26 PM) WHAT?  MICHAEL!  I DIDN’T TELL HIM ANYTHING!

(M)  (3:29 PM)  then how did he know?  i only told u. ONLY u.

(G)  (3:32 PM)   I don’t know how he found out, but I would NEVER tell him Michael, you have to believe that.  I am your best friend, your brother and know exactly how you feel!  

(M)  (3:29 PM)  gavin just leave me alone, u don’t kno anything.  

(G) (3:31 PM)  You don’t think I know???  That any of us in that house don’t know??? WE ALL KNOW MICHAEL, IT’S WHY WE’RE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE, DAMMIT!  

(G)  (3:33 PM)  Go talk to Dad.  Tell him what happeend, he’ll know how to handle this.  He always does!

(G) (4:58 PM)  Dad says you came home and left right away.  Are you at the gym?  Call us, he wants to talk to you about it.

(G)  (6:23 PM)  Where are you?  Dad is really worried that you’re not calling us, and B says you weren’t at the gym.  

(G)  (7:45 PM)  Michael!  WHERE ARE YOU?  CALL DAMMIT.

(G)  (8:49 PM)  Please call…  Please?  Everyone is out looking for you, and we have no idea where to look anymore.  It’s just Geoff at home right now, or if you want to talk in private, he’ll meet you somewhere.  

(G)  (10:19 PM)  If you don’t call soon, Jack is calling the police.  We are terrifiedMichael.  Come home or at least have the courtesy to tell the people that love you most in this world  that you are safe.  That’s all we ask.  

(M)  (10:25 PM)  i need to talk to someone first

———————————————————————————————————-

(Age 18, Text Messages)

(G) (12:03 PM) Miles, I was so happy about your news!  Congratulations!  Can’t wait to see you guys again!  It’ll be like old times!  :)

(M) (12:06 PM)  Thanks Gavin!  Can’t wait to be home too.  My bed just isn’t quite the same as the fold out mattress from hell.  :3  

(G) (12:10 PM)  Haha!  I bet not.  Is the whole gang coming out here with ya’ll?

(M) (12:15 PM)  Of course!  They’d never miss it!  Besides, they are dying to ask you something.  *shiftyeyes*

(G)  (12:17 PM)  Huh?

(M)  (12:19 PM)  Nothing, nothing, just pretend I didn’t say anything.  :)

(G)  (12:23 PM)  I am now an odd mixture of intrigued and terrified.  D:

(M)  (12:29 PM)  Thanks, I try.  ;)

———————————————————————————————————-

(Age 18, Handwritten on a Card)

Ray,

I can’t wait until you get to come home!  The house just isn’t the same without you, and Michael’s in a constantly bad mood worrying.  Thankfully, Edward is keeping him sane and busy.  That ol’ dog hasn’t left his side, and I’m glad.  Our walls do not need any more holes in them!  

Ryan rushed home immediately too with Miles and Kerry, and they are all in psycho protective mode, it’s hilarious! I can’t wait to tell you the stories.  Miles says that your fans are DYING too, and to not check your twitter until you’re better, because you’re getting death threats again, and might not be up for dealing with it.

Dad and Geoff are about what you’d expect.  We won’t go there.  I have photos. Picture being worth a thousand words and whatnot.

Carter came by and left your homework for you, and I’ve been trying to keep you caught up on notes, and I started some of the math worksheets for you.  It’s not that bad, really.  You’ll be back in the swing of it in no time!  Then again, you never took the tough classes, so it’s not like you have much to begin with!  (Haha!)

Just get back soon, graduation is a few weeks away!  Joel is already planning the menu for our party, and promises to provide you with WHATEVER you want.  Congratulations, you got Grandpa Heyman to cook by request!  The world, is in fact, ending!  (Haha!)

Been a weird year, hasn’t it?  Then again, our family is weird to begin with, so I guess that just makes our world all the more interesting!  Not that…  You know, there is anything INTERESTING about what hap-

I’m just going to stop writing now.  Hope to talk with you soon.  

Love,

Gav

———————-

(Age 28, E-Mail)

Ryan,

Do you remember what day and time the party is?  I asked Michael but he just yelled at me to ask my secretary or remember important dates on my own for once.  PLEASE let me know soon, I have to book a flight TODAY.  PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE?

I might even send you a little something nice if you do!  Your kid keeps asking me for that one thing, right?  ;)

Thanks,

Gavino


	4. To My Family (Ryan's Letters)

_**< Ryan Haywood, Age 12>** _

Dear Mom ,

Mr. Geoffery Ramsey (my foster father) told me that you woke up in the hospital yesterday.  I’m glad you’re ok, and I hope you get to feeling better soon.

I’m sorry, but…  I’m not coming by to see you.  I know you asked for me, but… I can’t.  And Mr. Ramsey says I don’t have to if I don’t want to.  

Why?  

Because I know you’re going to jail like dad is, and I won’t see you much anyway.  If you’re actually worried about me, please don’t be.  I’m in a “new” foster care now (called HomeHunters), so please don’t worry about me.  Ms. Dunkelman (the lady who has been taking care of me after they took you guys away) says that Mr. Ramsey and Mr. Patillo (my other foster father) are good people who will take good care of me.  She says that she’s worked with them for years and knows I’ll be happy there.  I trust Barbie, she’s a really nice woman.  

But also because don’t want to go back mom.  I don’t want to see you and fall into the same trap I’ve been in my whole life.  What I had was bad.  I just want to try and live a normal life now.

A life where I don’t have to stay up all night, making sure you don’t choke yourself puking.  A life where I don’t have to do everything for you two, because you’re too tired or strung out to move.  A life where I don’t have to go to school in dirty clothes, messy hair and disgusting breath because you wouldn’t pay the water bill.

And Mr. Geoffery Ramsey and Mr. Jack Patillo are giving me that.  They’re both such nice people.  I have a bed, a room, and I can just…  Sleep.  I can sleep again mom!  I can sleep without worrying or waking up in the middle of the night wondering if you’re still alive.  That first week, I think I just went straight to bed after school every day.  I just wanted to relax, something I haven’t ever done before.  But they always wake me up or come get me when it’s time to eat.  They cook me dinner, or we go out and eat.  We sit at the table like a family, and talk.  Whatever I want to talk about, or sometimes they talk about their old lives too.

And…

I want to hang onto this as long as I can, because I like normal.  I like being in a house where I can just be a kid.

I have that now, and…  I just REALLY don’t want to lose that.

So PLEASE, if you get out of jail, don’t come and try to find me or try to convince me to come home.  Just leave me alone!  I love you mom, but I don’t want to go back!

Back to that disgusting and sad place you made me live in.  

I just want to be normal.  

Love,

Ryan Haywood

______________

_**< Ryan Haywood, Age 12>** _

Dear Dad,

Mr. Ramsey said he’d mail this letter to you.  I know you’re in jail, and could probably use someone writing to you, but…  I can’t.  

This is the only letter I’m going to write you, because I know you’re mad at me.

I just wanted to say I’m sorry dad.  I’m sorry I went and got the teacher.  I didn’t know they would call the police or the paramedics.  I thought she might just help me drive mom to the hospital.  

It’s all my fault you’re in trouble.  And…  I’m sorry.  

Love,

Ryan Haywood

_____________

_**< Ryan Ramsey, Age 13>** _

Dear Mom,

Thanksgiving came around, and I couldn’t help but think about you and my old dad.  About..  My old family.  My old life.  I know it’s been awhile since I wrote you.  Sorry.

Dad called the prison for me and they said that you keep asking about me, wanting to talk to me.  I guess that’s a good thing?  

Well, things in my life are better than they have ever been.  My new dad adopted me (I’m Ryan Ramsey now), and I’ve got a couple of foster brothers (Michael, Gavin and Ray).  Oh, and they got me a puppy for my birthday!  I named him Edgar…  After…  Well, you know..  Grandpa Edgar.  I loved grandpa a lot Mom, I know you did too…

I guess you wanna know why I’m writing you.  Especially after so long and after I begged you not to come try and find me.

Well..  

Mom, I just wanna know what happened.  

My dad Jack tells me that writing letters is comforting, and just not to send them.  Use them as a way to let feelings out, but without the confrontation of it all.  

But…  I kind of want to send them.  

My other brothers don’t even have their moms and dads, but I’m sure they’d love a chance to reconcile with them if they had the chance to.  Hell, that’s all Ray is probably going to want in his life as he gets older.  And more importantly…  

 ** _I want to_**.  

I may not want you involved in my life anymore, but…  I would like to come to peace with what happened and try to understand it.  So I can move on in my life.  So many great things are going right in my life, I’d like to close that particular topic in my brain.  Once and for all.  Because you guys don’t rule over me anymore.  I’m my own man now.    

Jack and I talk a lot about you two, and he tells me the biggest reasons why people turn to drugs.  And if you write back, don’t try and hide that fact.  I know you guys did heroine, you don’t have to lie to me like you did before.  I’m young, not stupid.

Anyway, Jack tells me people do it when they fall on hard times.  When they need a release or escape from the world.  Because they like the high, or the ability to feel really good.  Or because they’re stupid.  

But I don’t really know why.  I was too little when it started.

So what happened?  

What happened in your lives to make you…  Give up?  Why you’d give up your jobs? Why’d you give up taking care of yourself?  And why’d you give up ME?! 

WHY?  

Did you seriously just stop loving me?  Because I remember being a happy kid at some point.  Birthday parties with Miles and Kerry coming over.  Going to visit Grandpa Edgar and Grandma Ellie at Christmas.  I know I remember Dad dressing up at Santa Claus once or twice.  You baking cookies and letting me taste the batter, even though it was bad for me.  

And then…  It just all stopped.  

All of it.  

I came home from the school bus one day, and you were just lying on the couch.  Dad was sleeping in a corner.  Both of you just buzzed out of your ever loving mind.  I remember wondering if you were sick.  You just said “Mommy and Daddy need their alone time Ryan, go to bed”, even though it was 4 in the afternoon.  But I did what Mommy said.  

You stopped buying us food after that day.  My lunch money at school ran out, and you couldn’t (or wouldn’t) re-fill it.  Miles and Kerry (thankfully) shared lunch with me. We lost electricity and water.  Things got hot in the summer and freezing in the winter.  I stank in school.  

But then?  It got worse.  

Eventually, I had to start taking care of you two every day before and after school.  

Do you have any idea how much that sucked?  Like, really?  Taking care of two fully grown adults high off their asses and unable to do ANYTHING for themselves?  

“Ryan, get mommy a clean needle…”

“Ryan, get daddy a beer…”

“Ryan, I’m hungry…”

“Ryan, I’m sick….”

“Ryan, I shit myself again…”

You couldn’t do a DAMN thing for yourselves, but man, you were sure able to walk out of the house and get more crap when you ran out!  You always had the time or strength for that.  But not for me?

There were weeks when I didn’t even know where you were AT Mom!  I don’t even want to know WHAT you were doing either, because I doubt you were working a typical job to bring home money.

Do you know how bad that hurt me?  Some days I’d just figure you were dead and not coming home after a week or so.  I’d sit on the couch crying my eyes out, not knowing what to do if you didn’t bring home money soon.  Because I’d be hungry, or sick, or scared too!  But who took care of ME?  Who was there to comfort me?  

Not you guys…

Not anyone.  

You always came home though.  After some godforsaken stretch of time, you’d waddle back in and plop your selves right back on the couch.  Not acknowledging me at all, just throwing a few measly wads of cash my way.  And then I’d cry my eyes out, so happy to just hold you again, begging you not to leave again!  Hugging you, trying to get some attention or affection from you.  Anything, really.

You always had the same words…  

“Everything will be all right”, and just to…  “Not involve the police”.  That you’d get better someday.  But not to do anything stupid…  Because then I’d go off to foster hell and be just as bad, if not worse off than I already was.  You acted like you cared about me, and I believed it.  

I believed that you’d stop, get better and try to be my mom and dad again.  I believed the stories you told me about “foster hell", thinking you knew what was best for me.  I fell for it all.  

You ACTED like it.

But you’d never say the words.  You never hugged me back.  You never made any positive steps towards changing yourself.  

You lied.  I don’t think I can even remember the last time you said you loved me.  Probably before I saw you on the couch that first time.

…

..

.

I have no idea if you’ll even read this up until this point.  I have no idea if you’re going to even write back with an answer as to why.  I’m not sure I want the reply.

In the end, I guess I just wanted to let you know how I felt.  How YOU made me feel because of your disgusting addiction.

And how I’m moving on in my life.  

I have two dads that love me like I should be loved.  Who take care of me and make sure I’m happy.  Dads who always have ALL the time in the world for me.    

I have brothers that need me to be a role model for them, and show them that foster kids can turn out ok.  Because they don’t know any better of the world yet, and probably don’t even know what “foster care” is.  They need me with a straight head on, and I can’t let my past torment me anymore.  Otherwise, they might think that’s ok.

I have the best friends in the world who are sticking by me, even though I’m sure they’re sick of my shit.  Don’t know if you remember them, but Miles and Kerry support me all the way, and haven’t even remotely left my side.  I’m closer to them now more than ever, actually.  They’re not just school friends anymore.  They’re like my brothers too, people I can count on to be there.  And they are! 

See how much I have now?  It’s more than I ever wanted in my life, or even thought was possible.

It’s what I SHOULD HAVE.  What you and dad kept from me.

But…  Despite all of what I’ve said?  

About not wanting to see you or have you in my life?  Well, if one day, you clean up your act, I might stand to look at you.  Maybe even talk to you again.  But don’t bother me until then.  Because I don’t want to have anything to do with you until that day comes. 

I love you too much to see you in that state ever again.  

Get better.  

Love,

Ryan Ramsey  

_____________________

Ryan Ramsey (Age 18) (Handwritten, Left Inside a Boxing Glove)

Michael,

I know this probably doesn’t mean squat to you, but I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you.  After everything that happened this week, there were a million things you could have done out of spite to that boy.  Not that it was even his fault, but I’m sure he didn’t help any.  Plus, he’s an asshole.  Even I know that.

That kid is half your size, and you probably could have just beat the living snot out of him a long time ago.  Hell, you’re trained for it.  But you didn’t.  You just went on your merry way, 

And that means a lot Michael.  It shows what kind of man you are becoming, and I’m proud to know you.

I remember this one time when you were a little kid.  You got really mad at Dan’s daddy (his first one, not Joel) for scaring him (actually, I think Gavin hired you as a hitman…  SCARY), and went out with a plastic bat and started WAILING on him as hard as you could.  I don’t know if you even remember that or not.  But it happened, I promise.  

I remember, because I laughed my ass off about it thinking that the asshole druggie deserved it.  That piece of shit actually BEAMED dad square in the nose and was high off his butt trying to get Dan away from us.  As I was about to go give you a high five, dad shot me “the look” and told me to cool it.  Not in a mean way, but just in his “I mean business” tone (you know the one).        

So I did, but I wondered why he got so mad at me for doing that.  I asked him, and all he said is that he didn’t want us perpetuating or glorifying the cycle of violence in your life, and left it at that.  He also told me to watch out for you.  To not praise you for being violent, or to let you take things out on other people.  And to be the kind of big brother that used my words or did things the “smart” way without resorting to violence to fix my problems.

I don’t think I have to anymore Michael.  You’re strong.  You’ve been around dad and Jack long enough to know right from wrong, and even in your hormone-addled mind (oh, and when dad does give you “the talk”, just know it is going to be SUUUUPER Awkward), you have self-control.  

So keep it up Michael.  I’m glad to have you as my brother.

Love,  
Ryan

_____________________

Ryan Ramsey (Age 18) (Written on a Crumpled Piece of Paper)

Geoff & Jack,

Sorry I’m such a failure.  I tried so hard, but then…  It just wasn’t enough. Thanks for the kind “offer”, but…  I have to decline.  I know you guys were just being polite.

I know my time in this house is up, and if I stayed much longer, that I’d take away from my brothers.  Besides, someone else deserves this spot now, someone who needs it just as much as I did. They can have my things, but tell them Miles comes complimentary with the suite.  I came into this house with nothing, and I’m more than capable of leaving it with nothing.  

I’ll find something soon enough, and call when I’m settled in somewhere.  I’m sure you’re going to be mad, but…  Well, I hope you’ll forgive me.  

Thanks for the best 6 years of my life.  They meant more to me than you’ll ever know.  

I love you both,

Ryan

————————————————-

Ryan Ramsey (Age 18)  (Handwritten on a Card, Embedded in a Bouquet of Roses)

Griffy,

Thanks for everything.  I’m not stupid, I know exactly what you did last weekend.  Thanks for talking with me.

-Ryan

_____________________

Ryan Ramsey (Age 24)  (E-Mail)

Gavin,

This is all we’re going to talk about it, ok?  I know you said it was ok and that you understood, but I need to say this.

What I did last night was NOT ok under any circumstances.  If I ever catch you or the guys pulling a stunt like I just did, I will PERSONALLY kick your asses, hypocrisy be damned.  

I know you’re all grown up, but I still try my hardest to be someone you lads would look up to.  To let you know that kids like us can grow up being alright in the head and live a great life.  I like to think I did an ok job with that, and then I just royally fucked it up last night.    

Thank you Gavin for pulling my head out of my ass and not screwing me over completely.  I owe you a favor.  Anything you want or need buddy, it’s yours.  

(Not that you need it, amirite?  Haha!  Dad told me about your and Cameron’s fight and about your big news afterwards. You are seriously an idiot sometimes, you know that?)

But really…  Last night, you were the brother I needed.  And…  That was nice.  It’s nice to know I still have my family where they’ve always been.

It kills me I don’t get to see you guys anymore.  But me, Miles, Kerry, JJ and Arryn are doing pretty well for ourselves.  Not exactly what I had, but I guess it’s a family.  Meh, I’ll get used to it.    

Oh, and your girlfriend was adorable.  I’m glad I got to meet her, and even more glad you went for it!  She’s quite a smart one, and so polite!  Though was it just me, or was she staring daggers at Courtney and Lindsay all through dinner?  

Anyway, take care of yourself Gavin.  And good luck in your future endeavors to come. I know you can do it, so work hard and become three hundred times more successful than I was at your age.  You’re one of the strongest people I know, and your voice can really perform miracles.

I know it did for me.  

Love,

Ryan

____________________

Ryan Ramsey (Age 24) (E-Mail)

Michael,

Sorry I can’t be there physically for you right now. I heard what that punk kid did from Gavin, and I’m sorry.  

I know it’s tough, and I’m sorry I never knew.  I mean, I KNEW something had to have happened, but I didn’t know what exactly.  

I’m not gonna call you though.  I’m sure you’re getting an earful already from everyone else there, and knowing you, you’re probably sick of it.  

But if you want to talk, you call me when you’re ready.  I’m all ears buddy, and I’m always going to be here for you.  

After all, I feel like I’ll always be in debt to you.  Don’t you dare tell the other guys this, but when you first came in the house as my first brother…  I don’t think I was happier in my whole life.  Even when Gavin and Ray moved in, I never felt the same spark of hope.  I’ve never told you or the other guys this but…

Well, here’s MY sob story, since I know yours now.  I guess it’s only fair.  

When I was 6, just barely in kindergarten, my biological parents got addicted to heroin.  Basically became full fledged drug addicts, and I had to take care of them from then until my mom overdosed when I was 11.  I went and got a teacher, and they called the paramedics for me.  She almost died, and my idiot father actually tried to fight the police when they came to get them.  Whatever “family” I had before, I lost.  After 5 years of living in fear, anxiety and horrendous living conditions, I was in a terrible place, just wanting a life where I was normal.  Where I might have a happy life.  When I moved in with Dad and Jack, all I could think about was not screwing things up.  Not being too expensive, not making them want to get rid of me, and just being a fly on the wall that nobody noticed.  Someone they didn’t have to deal with.  Maybe I’d have a home and not have to go back if I was quiet enough.  

Thankfully…  Dad wasn’t going to have any of that.  He poked and prodded until I  **knew**.  Until I  **knew**  I could trust him.  And that it was OK to want to have more than just a normal life.  That it was ok to want a family, friends, and a future.  

Then?  Right about the time I felt like I could call Geoff “Dad”, you came into our lives.  There you were, this angry little ball of cute that “didn’t want a daddy, cuz daddies were stupid” (which now makes a whole lot of sense).  At first it was rocky and I didn’t like the way you treated dad (you were such a little shit!), but eventually we started playing together, and I felt like…  I had something.  Like I had a family again.  Or maybe I got a family for the first time.  

So that’s what you mean to me Michael.  You were a fire that made me start getting my strength back, and don’t you ever fucking forget that.

You matter.  

So don’t let your past (especially a past that you had NO control over) define who you are.  Let it STRENGTHEN you.  Know what you have overcome, and know the kind of man you actually are.  

You are not now, nor will you EVER be your biological father.  

That man hasn’t been your father in a VERY long time, if at all.  Don’t let the memory of what he did control so much of you.  You are three hundred million times more the man than he was, and you would NEVER in your life ever harm someone.

Remember that you’ve got Geoff and Jack.  And me.  And Gavin.  And Ray.  And Dan.  And Courtney.  And Lindsay.  And Joel.  And Kara.  And Carter.  And Cameron.  And Kerry.  And Miles.  And JJ.    

We all know who the real you is.  

It’s a brave, strong, and powerful individual who’s held such a painful scar for so long on his own.  Did you think it would change how we thought of you? Because, if anything, it made me respect you even more than I already do.  

Ok, enough sappiness.  Didn’t I JUST say not five seconds ago that I wasn’t going to bug you?  

Sorry..  It just sort of…  Came out.  I

Anyway,  I’m glad you came home though, Gavin called me and I was worried out of my mind.  You really are special to me.  

Love ya man,

Ryan

_______________________

Ryan Ramsey (Age 24)  (E-Mail)

Ray,

Everything ok?  Your stuff lately has been…  Well, do I really need to say it?  Then Dad called asking me if you were being pushed too much, saying you’re not yourself lately.  (Are you too pushed?  We can tone it down, not a big deal.)

If something is bothering you, I’d hope you know you could call me.  Or Miles, you have been closer to him than anyone since forever.  We’ve got Skype, or we could come home one weekend.  It’s not that big of a deal.

Just let me know.

Love,

Ryan 

_______________________

Ryan Ramsey (Age 24)  (Text Messaging)

(J)  6:59 PM  Ryan, can you get on a plane tonight and get home?

(R)  7:05 PM Huh?  What’s up Jack?  Is everything ok?  

(J)  7:15 PM   It’s not something I can talk over the phone about.  Just do it please.

(R)  7:40 PM  Ok, plane booked.  Be home soon.

________________________

(E-mail)  (Age 34)

Gavin,

It’s Thursday.  NEXT Thursday   Get there at like 9 AM so we can set up before the old geezer wakes up.  And really? You couldn’t have just called Jack?  That was kind of dumb, cuz now you DO owe me.  

Huehuehuehuehue….

Ahem…

My son better have your crap when I get there buddy-boy.  I swear, it destroys my soul to let him have those….  Those…  THINGS.  Gauuuuuuhhhhh…..

You know I love you right?  

Haha.

Still… Can’t wait for Jeff to finally play with his little cousins again.  They’ve really only met once, but your kids were good for him to be around, and you’re even better.  Now that I think about it, you’re kind of like Monty was for me and the other guys.  So thanks for everything, and for Face Chatting with him as much as you do.  I know you’re just as busy as I am, probably even worse.

*sigh*  

It really has been too long, you know that right?  Dammit, now I’m homesick.

Oh, and did Michael get his new kid under control yet or should I bring Jeff in bubble wrap?  I feel like an ass too, but I forget his last name.  You remember? I am DEFINITELY not asking Michael and getting an earful about being a geezer.  Andrew something?  Or did he get officially adopted yet?  I don’t want to be rude, I know how bad that pissed me off when I was younger.  

Thanks,

Ryan

________________________

(E-Mail)  (Age 34)

Ray,

Ok, so I looked over the resumes you sent over, but I’m just genuinely confused about something.  

It was my understanding that you HATED these people with a lifelong passion, so why the hell are you promoting their podcast to me?  I mean, their stuff is great idea, but…  Really?  

So just let me know what’s up.

And I swear to god if you reply to this with “YOLO” like you do everything else, I will come straight into your office, interrupt WHATEVER you are doing and throw you out a goddamn window.  And Miles CANNOT save you this time either.  

Oh, and the party is next week, don’t forget.  Book your flight to leave on next Wednesday and we can all travel together.  And NO, I am NOT doing it for you, I’ve got my own shit to do before the departure.  I swear, sometimes you’re as bad as “Gavino” (*snort*).  

And leave your little peons enough instructions so I don’t get forty phone calls during our vacation.  

-Ryan

——————————

(Ryan, Age 34, E-mail)

Mom,

Attached are the pictures you asked for.  Jeff had a blast at Disneyland, and nearly lost his shit meeting Princess Ariel and Ursula.  Don’t get me started when he saw The Lion King play.  I thought he was going to CRY, which of course made ME want to cry.  

You were right, there’s never NOT a good reason to take kids there.  I guess they really can enjoy the classics, even with all the new fancy stuff.  And here I thought I was part of a lost age!  

Pardon the other immature idiots with him in all the shots.  Uncle Kerry, Uncle JJ, and “Grandpa” Miles just don’t know how to behave in public.  At least Aunty Arryn was nice enough to look somewhat pleasant and not have her tongue out in most of the pictures.

Jeff is REALLY excited to meet his grandma when we get there.  He’s never had a grandma before, and he gets to have you AND two grandpas.  Aaaand you’re all going to spoil him to death aren’t you?  Jesus, I might as well move back to Austin and get it over with, because there is no way in hell he’s going to want to leave. Perhaps I could bribe him with a dog or something.  Edgar III?  

Haha!

But yeah, we get in next Thursday.  I’ll come by with Jeff and let you two meet.  I’m happy to see you again too.  20 years clean next month, right?  I’m so proud of you, and glad to have my mom back in my life.

(Jeffy says hi!)

Love,

Ryan & Jeff

(Attachment:  26 Images)


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